Dear Nose

Dear Nose,

Come back!

Sniff,
Peat

Dear Amy

**Note to not Tiffany: Amy is the lovely woman with whom Tiffany shares an office. They are a funny pair of friends. I met Amy when I brought Tiffany a muffin one day as an excuse to go visit her in her office and possibly catch a glimpse of the hot prof. who resides in the office across the hall.**

Dear Amy,

I am sorry for not properly acknowledging you on the elevator yesterday. I recognized you when you got on with Dr. Moro, but I could not remember your name for the life of me, nor could I remember how I knew you. I felt really bad when you greeted me and I was obviously still in that train of thought that indicated I didn't know who you were. After you got off the elevator and I got out on the basement level, your name popped into my head and I knew who you were. I mentally slapped myself upside the head for not having been more courteous.

I do apologize. Please do not take offense to my non-acknowledgement of our having met.

I hope you're having a wonderful day in the office with Tiff. 11 o'clock? That's about lunchtime, right?

Best,

Peat

Dear Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

Apparently, we must go dancing together. I do not have any coordination. I will be the most foolish person there, but I have a feeling it could prevent any further dreams about me stealing your girls. Also, I think you know that I'm reasonable enough that, if that ever actually came up, you could totally just say: "I know you didn't know, but that one's mine."
I'm curious about my attire in your dream, as well. If you remember, let me know. Did I get all fancy and wear a dress to go dancin'? Or did I wear my usual attire which gets Fruity Beans hot 'cause he thinks I'm a dude?

One final thought in this letter to you, a friend with whom I chat almost every day so it sometimes seems silly to actually write you a letter; I really do feel bad about not recognizing Amy until it was too late. Bad enough that today is a double-letter day.

Love,
Peat

Curious? This is what comes up if you search for "Lesbian drama" on Google Images.

Dear Self

Dear Peat,

STFU. Seriously, shut the fuck up. Every once in a while, just shut up and think when you're about to say (or type) something.
Don't be such a douchebag to people you love.

And Tiff thought she was a jerk. Tiff, you ain't got nothin' on me, babe.

Swimming in a sea of regrets and apologies,

Yourself

Dear Family

Dear Family,

Don't talk to me about school anymore. Just... don't. Ugh. Especially not getting a masters. Not going to happen.
Don't worry, I still love you.

Love,
Peat

Dear Lady

Dear Lady,

Happy birthday to my most favourite person of life.

Thank you for everything ever. You're the best.
Cupcakes will be waiting when you get home.

Love,

Margaret

Here's hoping your birthday wish comes true this year and Ewan comes to visit you at work because he needs to be measured for a new kilt

Dear Friends

Dear Friends,

Please do not be alarmed, but I thought you ought to know that I have a strange growth protruding from my person.

I'm not too concerned about its nature. I honestly don't think it's cancerous.

It's roughly the size and shape of a small cat. It's covered in think black fur and has a tendency to oddly vibrate when touched.

I first noticed its appearance when I got home yesterday. The oddest thing about the growth is that it changes positions on my body quite frequently. For example, at dinner last night, it was near my feet, but it was closer to my groin area when I was watching television later on. And when I went to bed, it had moved again to my upper chest/ neck area. Currently it is connecting both of my arms at the elbows (making this blog excessively difficult to write).

Anyway, I just thought that you should know what's going on. I'm going to include at the end a picture of the growth to give you an idea of what I'm going through.
If you have any thoughts about the nature of my ailment or ways in which I might deal with it, I'd appreciate your input.

Hope you all have a pleasant weekend,

Peat

Dear Angela

Dear Supermuffin,

Not that kind of "Beaver Fever."

Love,
Peat

Supermuffin to the rescue!

Dear Fruity Beans

Dear Fruity Beans,

You have redeemed yourself.
It's nice not being able to stay angry for very long.

Love,

Peat

"I'm going to nap in your lap until you like me again. Now... pet my head."

Dear SOoH#7

Dear SOoH#7,

Stop making her upset or I will smash your face in.

That is all,
Peat

Dear Hugh Laurie

Dear House,

You should rap more. That was awesome.

Love,
Peat

Just another man who could 'take my temperature' without me shuddering

Dear Housemates

Dear Housemates,

Please take out your garbage.

Love,
Housemate #3

If you don't, I will be grouchy.

Dear "Fruity Beans"

Dear Fruity Beans,

Perhaps you could think twice about what you say to me when I'm just having a bit of fun.

I wish you simple happiness. I would like for you to be able to take joy in something uncomplicated, something not cruel, and possibly even something without sexual connotations. It makes me sad that you find this so difficult.

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day (to all),

Peat

"Hey, guys! Guess what. I'm a jerk because I'm very sad inside."

Dear Konstantin

Dear Konstantin,

Hi. You're sitting beside me.

Love,
Peat

Konstantin says: "OH MY GOD!"

Dear Jay

Dear Jay,

You're a douche.

With loathing,
Peat

Dear Housemate #7

Dear Housemate #7,

Thank you so much for our adventure today. It was positively grand.

It was so nice of you to drive (even though you did because you didn't want to take the bus... still good of you) to the Creek with me. Ice cream was good. I'm glad I could at least partially repay you.

You were just so sweet to me today. You even waited for me while I went to get my OSAP (which I didn't get because they're poop faces). So sweet.

Anyway, you just made my day full of nothing particularly wonderful a delight and it was great.
Thank you again.

Love,

Housemate #3

Didn't cut you out of the picture, Linh... 'cause I'm mean enough to you already.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I made cupcakes for you. Left them on the counter. Don't eat them all at once or you'll get sick.

Love,
Your Favourite Daughter

Dear Josef

Dear Josef,

I like taking you to the movies. You're adorable.
Do you know what makes you even more adorable?... How about the fact that, since I got my hairs cut, we now look eerily similar again.
Let's go try on some of your clothes and freak people out when they see me driving!
Here's hoping 9 lives up to my Burton-ly expectations.

Love,
HJfPMcP

Dear Housemate #2

Dear Housemate #2,

Do not come into my room under the guise of wishing to use my computer so you can tell me something rather disturbing in a nonchalant manner ever again.

If it comes up again, just clarify for the wankers: "Not that it's any of your business, but no, we're not sleeping together."

My sincerest apologies if my being here is going to produce unwarranted drama. I hate women.

With a moderate amount of disdain,

Housemate #3

__________________________________________________________

Dear Anybody-Who-Was-A-Catalyst-For-This-Situation,

F*** off.

With a great amount of disdain

That B**** Who's Gonna Treat You Less Respectfully If She Finds Out Who You Are

Dear Wednesday Me

Dear Me on Wednesday,

Go to bed, bitch. Seriously. I'm tired of regretting staying up all night.

Just get your f***ing butt to sleep.
Now.
I'm not kidding.
Don't make me come over there.

With detest,

Peat

One of my favourite bedtime books as a child

Dear Housemates

Dear Housemates,

Let's all just play nicely,

Love,

Housemate #3

Dear Parental Units

Dear Parental Units,

Just when I don't think you can get any awesome-er, you both decide it's a good idea to give me money to get my hair cut (among other things). Now, is this because my hair is too shaggy for your liking and you want to see it cut? Or is it because I'm your favourite-est child ever?
I prefer to think it's the latter. And I'm pretty certain I'm right.
Also thank you for the food. I had chicken and veggies tonight and it was brilliant... not that you'll ever read this.

Love,
Peat

Just because you didn't take me to Mexico (or was this Cuba? Or perhaps Cancun?) with you, doesn't mean you don't love me!

Dear Boogaloo

Dear Boogaloo,

Missed you. You're fuzzy.

Love,
Peat

Not Boo, but pretty close

Guest Letter from Comments on Dear MSU: Dear FYEO

Dear FYEO and all Welcome Week planners and organizers - particularly those in charge of music,

I appreciate the spirit of Welcome Week, but there really is such a thing as too much Backstreet Boys, Hanson, and the like. Especially for those of us working in our offices, six floors above you.

Like I said, I appreciate your spirit, but keep it down a bit, yeah? Thanks.

Productively,
Tiffany

PS. I may just be a whiny ass. Doesn't matter, you're going to do as you wish anyway.

Dear MSU

*Warning: The following letter contains sarcasm. Reader discretion is advised.*

Dear MSU,

Thank you so much for not giving us any of the information required to make our Welcome Week Rep experiences enjoyable.
It was so kind of you to not notify us of changes in training locations, and to not provide us with food (as you did for everybody else) despite our obvious spirit and will to help with anything and everything.
And your denial of any fault is most appreciated. Way to live up to this year's slogan of "Fuck shit up!" You must be so proud.

With intense, seething anger and heat stroke,

Peat

MSU Board of Directors: No wonder things are going so smoothly

Dear Linh

Dear Linh,

Thank you for a really wonderful dinner. It was absolutely delicious (not that I'm at all surprised). I really enjoyed watching you cook like I do at home.
And we will watch Pulp Fiction next time. It will be good... as long as I'm not playing mannequin for Frank again.
Thanks again.

Love,
Peat

Super Linh was wearing this shirt when she cooked for me tonight!

Dear Davey Final Installment

Dear Davey,

You are back in Canada today. Canada loves you, baby. All of your friends love you and we're all very glad that you're back.
Cheers to another safe return home and time with those of us who have been awaiting your return.

It's porn o'clock somewhere,
Peat

Davey's Canada Adventure Part _?_: Canada is happy because Davey is home

Dear Housemate #2

**Note: Now living with six other people in a student house, housemates have been assigned numbers. Alphabetically by first name, the numbers one to seven have been assigned. I am Housemate #3.

Dear Housemate #2,

I miss my pets.

It's extremely unnerving to sleep in a house without a dog for the first time in nearly 22 years. I always knew they made me feel safer. Even if they were the friendliest dogs in the world, it was always a comfort to hear them bark or growl if somebody was near the house who shouldn't be there.

You, however, are often quite frightening. Anger issues? Maybe. Attitude? Most definitely.
Additionally, you sleep in just about the same proximity to me as my dogs did at home. About a meter and a half above me, and a couple meters over. Now, if you'd just start growling in your sleep when you have a dream, that'd be great. Really make me feel at home here.

The cat thing, well, as much as I wouldn't mind certain people sleeping on my face, trying to suffocate me... probably not the best idea. I think you'd agree. Besides, Housemate #7 is much more cat-like anyway.

Thank you for making me feel welcome yesterday, as I'm sure you will continue to do.

Love,
Housemate #3

From South Park: Big Gay Al's Big Gay House

Dear Davey Part 12

Introducing guest blogger Andrew "Phoegon" McWonderpants. He is a fellow lover of Davey (though his love of Davey is very different from my love of Davey) and, I am certain, a seeker of the most wonderful of "in your pants" book titles, even if he doesn't know it. Much love to you today, Davey... I hope you can handle it all!

Dear Davey,

Surprise! It’s Andrew! The day before you left for your trip I told you that I love you, and it holds true. I couldn’t possibly miss you this much and wish you were here with me so strongly if it wasn’t going to be true for a long long time. I’m super happy that this “mothership” has been civil with you, and I’m really glad you’re enjoying yourself, going to all the wicked amazing places in Japan I’ve always wanted to see, and eating great food. When you come home, we’re going to dine on a feast of bastardized Asian cuisine at the Mandarin because you told me you really like it. =] And I like going places with you that you like, because your eyes light up and you’re all the cuter for it (I hope I’m to blame for some of that *shy*).
Home is where the heart is Davey. My heart is most definitely with you, you know, and I feel strange not being able to talk to you before bed, or randomly during the day. I’ve never gone this long without seeing you before, and I’m going to make all the effort in the world to see you lots during the school year. You’re more than worth my whole world Davey! I keep you close with music when I can't wrap my arms around you, and I’ll be happy when I can be all wrapped up in you again really soon. I look forward to hearing all about your trip (I miss your voice!) and I definitely look forward to sweeping you right off your feet for as long as you’ll let me. *gigantic overseas digital bear hug* (The real thing will mean more, I promise.) =D

Love your Phoegon,
Andrew

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 12: Davey's boyfriend unit loves him way much.