Dear Lizard

Dear Lizard,

You started a delicious war of icing.
I will post your picture once Housemate #6 sends it to me.
You will be a most delicious lizard. I know it.

Love,
Peat

Dear Linh

Dear Linh,

You better tell me why the hell I had to leave the room so you could talk to Suzi.
You know very well that I am now freaking out. That was not nice of you... especially because I have to pretend like I'm not freaking out.

Happy birthday, my dear. You are so lucky it is or I would be over there demanding explanations.

Love,
Peat

Dear Self

Dear Self,

Count 'em.
1, 2, 3.
What am I doing wrong? Time to not be friends with people. Wouldn't want to give the wrong impression.

Love,
You

Dear Linh

Dear Linh,

I'm sorry I will not be drinking with you during your birthday celebrations this evening.
Suzi and I, however, did make you a beautiful *cough, giggle, cough* cake to share with your party guests.
I look forward to seeing you later.

Mucho loves,
Peat

Dear Housemate #6

Dear Housemate #6,

No more Spice Girls drinking games for me for a while. I'm sorry.

Love very much,
Housemate #3

Dear MacSci

Dear MacSci,

Way to get out there and vote. You totally kicked engineering's butt in the poll turnout.

Love,
Peat

Dear Self

Dear Self,

Good on you. Way to be an upstanding citizen.

Love,

You

Dear Tim

Dear Tim,

Thanks for giving me the blankest look in the world when I said hello to you in the basement. Real nice.

With Unadulterated Loathing,
Peat

Dear Housemate #6

Dear Housemate #6,

You are sitting beside me. Hello.

Love,
Peat

Dear Davey

Dear Davey,

Former Housemate #1 had some issues about which I have not inquired. She has left our household. If you have the money, I think you need to move in here now before somebody else takes the room. You can be our ethnic diversity if you do.
If not, if anybody else who's reading this is looking for a new place, I would absolutely adore not having a stranger living a few steps away from me in the basement.

Love,
Peat

P.S. Being sober after sad drunk times is worse than being drunk during sad drunk times.

She ruined our pho outing. Bitch!

Dear Vodka

Dear Vodka,

Thank you for making me drunk before 6.30.

Love,
Peat

Dear Nick

Dear Nick,

You're nice. I hope you hire me.

Kind regards,
Peat

Dear Mac Library

Dear Mac Library,

Thanks for saving my butt on that paper I fudged.

Love,
Peat

Dear Brian Setzer (and Orchestra)

Dear Brian Setzer (and Orchestra),

I have jumped. I have jived. Then, I have wailed away. Please, ask my papa to get out of the ice box. I got no ale in there.
Also, you lied. A woman is not a woman. And a man ain't ain't nothin' but a man (triple negative? What does that even mean now?).

Anyway, I kinda want to jump, jive, an' wail s'more.

Let's do it,

Peat

Dear Peanut Butter

Dear Peanut Butter,

Oh, how I missed you this past week. It was definitely a week in which the comfort of peanut butter could have been used.

Thankfully, I can have it all I want here.

Toast,
Peat

Dear Sears

Dear Sears,

Thank you for my new coat.

Thank you for the extra 10% off with Scratch & Save. That's on top of the already 30% the coat I chose.
Delightful. We basically got two coats for less than the price of one.

A New Fan,

Peat

Dear 1280

Dear 1280,

Today, I saw a sign on your door advertising something called "Mo-vember" (i.e. something that starts with "mo" in November). While I realize that my brain is polluted and not full of the purest of intentions, all I got from that sign was that November is homo month.
I didn't read the rest of it. Why would I? It would just ruin my giggle.

Counting down to Movember,

Peat

Dear Spice Girls

Dear Spice Girls,

Thank you for spicing up my life ten years later. You rock.

Love,
Peat

Dear ____

Dear ____,

Sleepovers for the win.

Love,
Peat

Dear Dr. John

Dear John,

Stay the hell out of my dreams. You and the brother I made up for you.
Also, I don't care about your drug problems. Keep that stuff to yourself during lecture.

Anger, anger,
Peat

P.S. Tell Nathan that I said hi.

Must find Nathan so he can save me from this life-or-death financial situation!

Dear Brad

Dear Brad,

You make an adorable teddy bear.
Thanks for watching out for Rainbow. Also, thanks for not smelling terrible. I really do appreciate that.

Regards,
Peat

Dear Davey

Dear Davey,

You need a break from school and work when you believe that orgasms come from fingers touching shoulders.
It was so nice to see you yesterday. It made me very happy. I missed you a lot.
I hope you have fun at Nuit Blanche.
Mucho love,
Peat

Dear Housemate #1

Dear Housemate #1,

Please wipe up your hair, and keep it out of the drains and stuff. I'll take care of the rest. Really, I don't mind very much.

Love and sponges,

Housemate #3

No, but I'm afraid of what else it might be breeding.

Dear Face

Dear Face,

Thank you so much for giving me away. I know I feel sick. I know I act sick. But do you really think it's necessary to make me look so sick?
Reddest, rawest nose of life. Watery eyes. Puffiness like you wouldn't believe.
C'mon. Give me a break.

Love,

Peat