Dear S.E.K. again

Dear Girlfriend,



Your room is full of mold. All of the stuff I moved out of my room back to my house was also moldy. Things are getting cleaned and this is good.



Even though it's a major inconvenience, you can stay with me until your room is habitable again.



Lovingly and cleanly,



Me

Dear S.E.K.

Dear S.E.K.,

Happy birthday! This year's birthday party will not be so bad that Linh texts me to tell me to come over... because I'll already be there making it awesome!

Awesomely,

Me

See? Awesome.

Dear Lady-Girl

Dear Lady-Girl,

Today, you made me cry because you're so sweet.

Lovingly,

Me

Dear Parental Units

Dear Parental Units,

Thanks for being all cool and letting me keep the car even longer than the amount of time that you were away on vacation. It's nice to be able to drive my lady-girl around for a change.

Appreciatively,

Me

Minus the rust spots... this is the same car I am currently driving.

Dear Christina

Dear Christina,

Get the fuck out of my life now.

Seriously. I was all happy when I moved that there was pretty much no chance I'd ever have to see you.

Now you live around the corner.

Fuck my life-ingly,

Me

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day. You're awesome. And I love you very much. And I'm very happy to be home. And let's all cheer for Home Depot!

Lovingly,
Me

Dear Halifax

Dear Halifax,

Thank you for treating Tiffany well while she was there. I appreciate your taking care of her while she was off being awesome and smart.

See you in August for Jacqueline's wedding?

Gratefully,

Me

P.S. Welcome home, Tiff!

Dear Marlene

Dear Marlene,

No wonder my mom hates working for you. You're impossible to tolerate. Two things you need to know about your employees:

1) We are not psychic, and

2) Sometimes we're also right.

As much as I deeply desire employment right now, I'm glad that this job only lasts the weekend.

Relievedly,

Me

A Google Image search of "boss from hell" yielded this gem.

Dear Value Village

Dear Value Village,

Thank you for the $60 worth of apparel I bought yesterday. I'm very pleased with it all... especially the ties. Three ties!

I take that back. The "especially" is going to have to go to the suspenders. I've been looking for a pair of thin, black (or white) suspenders for a while now. I just didn't want blue ones. They always look a bit funny when I'm wearing black pants, is all. The black ones will go with more.

Of course, if I do find those elusive thin and white suspenders, I'll be the happiest thrift store shopper out there.

Two stores, countless pieces of wonderful, $60. That's the same as the amount I spend just on underwear in the Bay, by the way. One store, 7 garments. How much do good underthings have to cost?!?

Suspenderedly,

Me

In my search for a picture of "suspenders" on Google Images, I came across this picture. Now, I didn't see any of these at Value Village, but they are now officially on my wish-list.

Dear Tiffany

Dear Tiff,

Thank you again for the wonderful advice. It's easy to forget how important communication is when you're afraid of talking to somebody.

You gave me the kick in the ass I needed (that is, the wise and encouraging words on my monitor that I needed) before things got really bad.

I am now in your debt. Please reclaim at your will.

I sincerely hope that all is well with you this afternoon.

Appreciatively,

Me

Dear Union Market

Dear Union Market Managers,

Please don't ask me impossible-to-answer-correctly/adequately questions at my interview tomorrow morning.

Pleadingly,

Me

Dear Canada Post

Dear Canada Post,

I'm extremely curious about the package you have waiting for me. I didn't order anything. I don't have a credit card, so I can't order things online. And nobody warned me of an impending parcel.

I get to pick it up after 1.00pm. So you just know I'm going to be there at 12.50. Waiting.

Curiously,

Me

Dear Cousin

Dear Dancin' Cousin,


I don't especially enjoy hip-hop music, but your dance recital today was wonderful. I'm very proud of you. You clearly worked incredibly hard. I'm sorry that your song was cut into pieces because your instructor's got shit for brains, but you recovered nicely.


Groovingly,

Me

Dear Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

I'm very happy that so many good things have happened to you recently. It's nice to hear that things are looking up.

Similarly, good things are coming my way. On Sunday, I'm going to London (Ontario... but, still... London) to watch my cousin Rebecca in a recital. She's very talented.
Tomorrow marks seven months of being together with my girlie-poo. Pretty awesome.

And I got a job interview for a position at Union Market starting in September. I dunno how that's going to go yet. We'll see. I don't think I give a very good interview. I'll have to practice.

Anyway, good things all around!

Happy Friday-ly,

Me

Haha... Windows 7, seven months. One day, I'll actually be funny. I promise.

Dear Tiffany's Thesis

Dear Tiffany's Thesis,

It's time to shape up and flight right, thesis. Seriously, you are causing my friend entirely too much grief and I don't appreciate this. Nor does she, obviously.

Pleadingly,

Me

Don't worry, Tiffany. Martin Luther wrote 95 theses and he made it through. Sort of. I mean, he was stressed out beyond belief because of the Papacy and he had vertigo, angina, kidney stones, arthritis.... um... maybe this isn't helping.

Dear Boogaloo

Dear My Cat,

Yesterday was your birthday. I went home to see you and spent a wonderful day in what actually felt like my home for the first time in many months.

It's hard to believe you've been around and in my life for seven years. You're still so tiny!

I love you and I wish you could live with me.

Sadly,

Me

I wrote this after I read Tiff's letter to Max, but I had meant to write it yesterday. I feel like less of a copy"cat" for that fact.

Dear Jeff

Dear Housemate Jeff,

I really appreciate that you are not living up to the "guy" stereotype. I mean, yeah, you drink beer and hate doing your dishes. But you drink beer with us while we sip martinis and you do wash your dishes.

I enjoyed our bonding conversation about the Soviet Union in WWII. It's nice to know you have a brain. I also like that you laugh out loud at your computer screen while you sit alone in your room. You're adorable.

Please continue telling us stories like you do. It's nice to know you.

Housemately,

Me

Dear Viola

Dear Experimenter Viola,

I emailed you yesterday afternoon to confirm your availability to meet me at 11.30 for your psych experiment this morning. You replied, confirming that you would meet me on the third floor of the psych building at 11.30.

You did not show up.

I don't think your supervisor was very impressed that he had to run the experiment himself.

Also, I had to wait fifteen extra minutes. Not cool, Viola. Not cool.

Annoyedly yours,

Me

Dear Tiff

Dear Tiff,

I did not see you while I was in the arts quad today. Though, it was definitely me whom you spotted. I was on the phone with Davey, attempting to find him.

I did eventually locate him at the Health Sci Library and exhausted shenanigans ensued. We returned to my house to play N64 (he refuted all Super Nintendo suggestions and my Wii remotes sadly lack battery power).

It would bring me great pleasure if, one day, you would similarly join me on a journey home for shenanigans of any sort that you please. Video games, cards, a drink, a meal, what have you.

I'm glad that you went to the doctor about your sleeping and stress problems. I agree with her that you ought to talk to a counsellor at school. They're pretty good. I've gone a couple of times.

I hope you don't forget your sleeping pills again tomorrow. You should use them now that you have them!

Wishing you happiness and feel-betterness,

Me

Dear Neil Patrick Harris

Dear Neil Patrick Harris,

I don't understand why you're so popular. Sometimes you're funny, I'll admit. But you're now considered... basically the Chuck Norris of the gay community. That I cannot understand for the life of me.

Even my very heterosexual housemate, Jeff, made a Chuck Norris-like comment about you while my lovely and I watched Glee with our heterosexual-but-promising housemate, Russell.

In conclusion, I could sing your socks off. Also, I wouldn't want to sing any more of your clothing off than that, anyway... because it would be unpleasant for both of us.

Questioningly yours,

Me

P.S. Wtf? Why do you have three names. Neil Harris is just as cool, methinks. You must choose!

Dear Philip

Dear Philip (possibly mentally challenged neighbour),

Yesterday, the tree my landlord was cutting down fell on your head because you stupidly walked underneath it.

Haha!

Mockingly,
Me

Dear Life

Dear Life,

Just when I think you couldn't throw anything else at me you send my girlfriend's father downstairs looking for her.
She's in my room, sir.

Bashfully,

Me

Dear Book Buyback Lady

Dear Book Buyback Lady at Titles,

I didn't appreciate how you taunted me with the prospect of $5.50 for the heaviest book I had to carry from my house to the store only to not take the book (which I bought from Titles originally!) because it was "international."

What the hell, Book Buyback Lady?

Do you know how heavy that was to carry there and back? VERY.

With contempt,

Me

Dear Mahir

Dear Mahir,

If you're going to employ my girlfriend, I suggest you watch your back.
Don't fuck around. Tell her how much she'll be paid and don't be a dumbass or I will fuck you up.

Also, your restaurant smells really bad.

Well... maybe that was just you.

Warningly yours,

Me

Dear Potential Employers

Dear People With Jobs to Give Away,

How about a call asking me for an interview? That'd be totally awesome.

Imploringly In Destitution,

Me

Dear Former Housemates

Dear Former Housemates,

You're disgusting. It took me 4 and a half hours to scrub that bathroom from top to bottom. The bathtub was the worst part. I don't know how anybody has used it and been under the impression that they were clean.

I'm so glad I have a basement room and have not had to use the upstairs bathroom since I moved in.

On the bright side, there's nothing like getting on your hands and knees scrubbing floorboards and floors to make you feel like you really deserve a good meal.

With disdain,
Me

Dear Lady

Dear Lady,

Happy Mother's Day. Please act surprised when you get the present that Suzi picked out for you.

Love,

Me

Dear Home

Dear Home,

You suck. If I wanted to listen to a screaming child all weekend, I'd have one.

I'm sick of watching my brother pretend he's a sniper or whatever. The game is sick and I can't believe you let him play it.

I'm tired of not being able to cook anything or leave my toothbrush on the counter.

This isn't home.

Me

Me or Screaming Child? You decide.

Dear Suzi

Note: Two letters today because I forgot yesterday and I owe Tiffany for taking such a long break. Extra stuff to help procrastinate?

Dear Suzi,

Thank you for indulging me while I spent hours clipping coupons yesterday.
I know how frugality can be a major turn-off.
You rock.

Love,
Me

P.S. 40 rolls of toilet paper for $5 ftw!

Dear Old Ladies

Dear Old Ladies at No Frills,

Please don't push your shopping cart in front of me and then stop dead in the aisle because you forgot something behind you.
It's rude. Seriously.

Angrily,

Me

Dear Sleeping Self

Dear Sleeping Self,

What's wrong with you? Seriously. You can go from the sexiest dreams to post-apocalyptic-scare-the-shit-out-of-me world in seconds.

You need to not ever watch anything scary every again. I blame that gross movie Kick-Ass. Which, by the way, was not at all kick-ass. Just saying.

Maybe the problem is that you shouldn't sleep past 8.30. Yeah, that's probably it.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Me

Dear Mr. Lucas

Dear George Lucas,

May the fourth be with you.

Happy Star Wars Day,

Me