Dear ______

Dear ______,

Me = jealous. -.- *death glare*

NOT Love,
Peat

Dear Umbrella Lady

Dear Umbrella Lady,

Today, down by the bay (where the watermelons grow!), you were walking along the waterfront under an umbrella.
I really think you ought to invest in a parasol. C'mon, woman! You can't be a proper lady without a parasol.
Or at the very least, you need to stroke kittens, weave baskets, and swim in rivers wearing dresses and hats.

I'm thoroughly disappointed,
Peat

Now, that's a lady!

Dear Neighbour

Dear Neighbour,

I don't live in the country. Therefore, I was not expecting that whiff of manure when I opened the window in my basement bedroom. It was very unpleasant.
On top of this, I don't appreciate being woken up early every morning by your landscaping crew. This is very unpleasant altogether. The smells, the sounds, the dust. I demand this torture cease immediately.
If it does not, I shall be forced to put a curse on you.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your underoos and may your arms be too short to scratch,
Peat

Dear Vlog Brothers

Dear Hank and John Green,

I thought it was verging on impossible for your YouTube channel to make me any happier than it did when Hank rapped "DFTBA" to John. I was, of course, wrong. Yesterday's vlog by Hank was entitled "Open Letters." I got really excited when I saw those words in the Subscriptions box and I only got more excited when I saw that it was a vlogbrothers video.
While I'm on about this, I should say that I agree on one very important issue, so this letter is going to include a sub-letter which expresses our agreeing views about North Korea.

Dear North Korea,

WTF? Why can't we all just get along? Let us re-ask that wonderful question which comes with its own answer in the form of an Edwin Starr song: "War (huh), Good God y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'."

Let's not be lethally insane,
Peat

So, Hank, you have pleased me. Not that you, John, have made me any less happy. There's nothing like having complicated political situations explained to me by a man covered in peanut butter. I honestly appreciate that. I like peanut butter and I like understanding things. You bring them together.

Best wishes,
Peat

Dear Cell Phone

Dear Cell Phone,

You're a trooper. First, I drop you in the deepest puddle in Hamilton and you survived! After you dried out of course, I was pleased to see you working all fine. And now I've gone and dropped you as I was speeding along on my bike. Your back cover broke off, but you just kept on truckin'!
Man, I thought you were just a cheapy little phone. Good choice, dad.
Way to go, phone. Keep up the good work!

Love,
Peat

Dear Girl

Dear Girl of my Dreams (literally),

Get the f^&# out of my head. Seriously. Yeah, you're hot. Yeah, maybe I'm slightly in love with you. But this just isn't fair.

See you tonight,
Peat

Dear Boog

Dear Boogaloo,

I don't care who thinks I'm insane for celebrating your birthday. I think it's awesome.
It's hard to believe that you've been around for six years. You're still very kitten-like though. I love it. You're nuts and violent and loving and full of purrs.
You definitely enjoyed licking the icing off your cupcake this morning. You and Linh should eat cupcakes together because you don't eat the cake and she doesn't eat the icing. You were made to eat cupcakes together!
I raise my glass to you and toast to a hundred more years with you suffocating me while I sleep and biting my ankles when I get out of bed.
Happy birthday, kitty!

Love,
Peat

Dear Army

Dear Army,

Stop hatin' on my friend. You make her sad which makes me mad.
I'm your friend, too, but I won't play your stupid games. Grow up.

Play nice,
Peat

Dear Hassam

Dear Hassam,

You are one smiley dude. And very nice. I'm sure you thought we were really immature. Well, we are. So it's okay for you to think that.
Way to collect those exam papers, dude.

Best wishes,
Peat

Dear Exam-Writer

Dear Exam-Writing Girl,

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. That's right, I waited close to you so I could collect your exam at the end. Every damn time. Can't believe you were Russian.
It's a curse (blessing?), I guess.

Lust,
Peat

Dear Spork

Dear Spork,

You must come around more often. I don't usually have anybody to go to the lake with. Although... next time you shouldn't run. (For my sake, you know?)

You may have won the Skip-Bo battle, but I kicked your butt (actually... not really that badly) at Trivial Pursuit.
I think Rainbow likes you, too. You're a drool magnet.
Thanks for the visit. It's nice to know you're still alive.

Love,
Peat

Dear Basil

Dear Bas,

Fun adventures today. Let's go to Ancaster earlier next time though... with a car. It will be better, I think.
And huzzah for rainbow sherbert! It was bitchin' good.
We'll try a better version of Trivial Pursuit another time, too. And more vidji games. Oh, the adventures to come.
Also... way to tell her Jubalee's your housemate ;P

Love always,
Your Loving not-Lover Peat

Dear MC

Dear MC (no, not master of ceremonies),

I rather despise you. And I resent having to be connected with you in any way.
There is no up-side where you are concerned.

I wish I could eat more chocolate,
Peat

Dear Michael

Dear Michael,

I love how we never plan to see each other and yet we meet in random places.
I was overjoyed to have been found by you on the dance floor last night/this morning. It was a very pleasant surprise. I was also highly amused by the look all the boys gave me when you picked me up and we bear-hugged for a full 30 seconds.
You're wonderful and I loved dancing with you. I hope your friend had a very happy birthday.
Also, thanks for not hitting me with your car to get my attention when you saw me walking home this morning. Mighty white of ya.

See you on the dance floor, sexy,
Peat

Dear Crazy Lady

Dear Crazy Lady,

While riding downtown today, I passed you. Shortly thereafter, you began shouting expletives at nobody in particular and demanding that the litter be picked up.
I commend you for your environmental consciousness, but I suggest you go about being crazy in a slightly less offensive way when there are young ears about.

Yours truly,
Peat

Dear Bill

Dear Bill,

You and your souther accent creeped me the hell out. You are a fantastically fascinating character and I truly appreciate how difficult a time the actor must have had portraying you.

Please don't kill me,
Peat

Dear Sun

Dear Sun,

Burn.

Love,
Peat

Dear Whistling Bus Driver

Dear Whistling Bus Driver,

You made my bus ride with Davey (if possible) even more wonderful by whistling Super Mario music. We both enjoyed it and continued it on.
Your amazed comment about driving a bus was also quite humorous.
You're fun. I like you.

DFTBA,
Peat

Dear Immediate Family

Dear Family,

Thanks for being nice to Linh. I really appreciate that I don't have to worry that you're going to embarass me in front of my friends... or embarass my friends (too much).
Next time, I'll remind Linh not to push the baby off the chair. It won't happen again.

Love,
Peat

Dear Sister

Dear Sister,

Today you have broken one glass, one wine glass ... and my femur.
Way to go.

Love,
Peat

Dear Girl

Dear GWOTBL,

I don't know if you know who you are, but you're driving me insane. I can't tell if it's good or bad just yet. All I know is that you make me crazy (or, perhaps, just crazier).
Too similar?

Love?
Peat

Dear Potential Marauders

Dear Prospective Mac Marauders,

TAKE HISTORY COURSES! Major in history. Minor in history. Just dabble and take the courses. Weeeeee! It's really a lot of fun as long as you are open to being in interested in something that most people will think you're nuts for liking.
Ta for the apple juice, by the way.

See you next year?
Peat

Dear Jonathan Ross

Dear Jonathan Ross,

You are so funny. Your podcast makes me very happy. The royal family are fun to pick on and your accent makes it even better.
I like how you worked Doctor Who and the Daleks into the podcast. You're a geek!

Way to be awesome.

Thanks for the laugh,
Peat

Dear Bad Drivers

Dear Bad Drivers,

I don't know who you think you are, but when I'm walking or on my bicycle, I have the right of way. Don't pull out of a parking lot onto the sidewalk just because you're trying to get onto the street. You have to stop anyway, so just wait for me to go by.
And specifically, to that lady who nearly hit me, fucking right I yelled at you. I was going to spit on your car too, but I didn't because there was a little kid walking towards me and apparently I have a social conscience. Lucky you.

F$^# You,
Peat

Dear Bedroom

Dear Bedroom,

I purged today. I was swimming in memories that I didn't want, so I trashed a lot of them. Not all. No, not all of them. Sometimes you have to keep stuff, and that's okay.

My drawers are emptier. My closet is neat. Only thing is, there are bits of crud all over my floor which I now need to vacuum but I'm too lazy to go get it and lug it down two flights of stairs.
Lots of laundry done today, too.
Tomorrow, bedroom, I'll open the window to get you some air, I'll vacuum and wipe everything down. You'll be like new. And I know what you were like when you were knew, because I helped build you.
I think you might need some new posters. The ones I had as a kid (which are sitting in a tube just waiting to be claimed) are not at all me. They never were, really... but we all do things to be different from who we are.
Anyway, you're much tidier now. Not that you were really all that bad, it was mostly just a build-up of papers from exam time. Also a lot of Kleenexes didn't make it into the bin.
Don't be gettin' all hoard-y again, okay?

At least 90% of what I got rid of was recyclable in some way. Lots of paper, much plastic and cardboard as well.

Maybe I can finally sleep,
Peat

Dear Ancaster

Dear Ancaster,

Thank you for being relatively easy to find. To see movies in the pseudo-city that is you is quite painless and easy to do. I appreciate this. I also like that you have a fun Chapters store in which I find books I want to read (and will read eventually).
Woot!
Way to be, Ancaster.
The newest X-Men movie was action-packed and all that one would expect of such a movie.

From your guitar hero,
Peat

Dear Ladies

Dear Lady-friends,

We went to the beach today. After yesterday's hike and today's very, very long walk plus bike rides, I am pooped. But you guys were so worth it. I had fun with y'all. I missed you while you were away at school.
I'm glad you're back. Thanks for a fun day with fries and a golf club, loves.
See you soon.

You're all whorefaces,
Peat

Dear Ranger Rin

Dear Ranger Rin,

You took us all on a wonderful hike today. It was brilliant! I am so tired but I feel wonderful.
I got to make new friends as well. Nothing like an hours-long walk to bring people closer together. Up lots of hills. Down many hills. Beside waterfalls, behind waterfalls, in front of waterfalls and under waterfalls. I got a bit wet, but hey, just water! I got dirty, I scraped my legs, I was sweaty, and even got a bit of a sunburn on my face. Best day ever!

Thanks so much, Ranger Rin for an awesome outing. I look forward to doing it again. And again. And again.
You are an awesome leader.

Love,
Peat

Dear Monster

Dear Refrigerator Monster,

You were sticky, you were furry, you smelled horrible, and you scared my pants off.
Now that is a monster. And I killed you with bleach.

Just as an aside to friends... if you want me to help you move, I'm totally not your bitch and won't clean your disgusting fridge. Never will that happen again.

Requiescat in pace,
Peat

Dear PU1

Dear PU1,

You are always complaining about how we don't do stuff together. I asked you to come to a play with me tonight. You stayed home and did nothing. Now that I'm home, you're going to bed.
Not nice.

Lonely at the play,
Peat