Dear Parental Units

Dear Parental Units,

Thanks for being all cool and letting me keep the car even longer than the amount of time that you were away on vacation. It's nice to be able to drive my lady-girl around for a change.

Appreciatively,

Me

Minus the rust spots... this is the same car I am currently driving.

Dear Christina

Dear Christina,

Get the fuck out of my life now.

Seriously. I was all happy when I moved that there was pretty much no chance I'd ever have to see you.

Now you live around the corner.

Fuck my life-ingly,

Me

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day. You're awesome. And I love you very much. And I'm very happy to be home. And let's all cheer for Home Depot!

Lovingly,
Me

Dear Halifax

Dear Halifax,

Thank you for treating Tiffany well while she was there. I appreciate your taking care of her while she was off being awesome and smart.

See you in August for Jacqueline's wedding?

Gratefully,

Me

P.S. Welcome home, Tiff!

Dear Marlene

Dear Marlene,

No wonder my mom hates working for you. You're impossible to tolerate. Two things you need to know about your employees:

1) We are not psychic, and

2) Sometimes we're also right.

As much as I deeply desire employment right now, I'm glad that this job only lasts the weekend.

Relievedly,

Me

A Google Image search of "boss from hell" yielded this gem.

Dear Value Village

Dear Value Village,

Thank you for the $60 worth of apparel I bought yesterday. I'm very pleased with it all... especially the ties. Three ties!

I take that back. The "especially" is going to have to go to the suspenders. I've been looking for a pair of thin, black (or white) suspenders for a while now. I just didn't want blue ones. They always look a bit funny when I'm wearing black pants, is all. The black ones will go with more.

Of course, if I do find those elusive thin and white suspenders, I'll be the happiest thrift store shopper out there.

Two stores, countless pieces of wonderful, $60. That's the same as the amount I spend just on underwear in the Bay, by the way. One store, 7 garments. How much do good underthings have to cost?!?

Suspenderedly,

Me

In my search for a picture of "suspenders" on Google Images, I came across this picture. Now, I didn't see any of these at Value Village, but they are now officially on my wish-list.

Dear Tiffany

Dear Tiff,

Thank you again for the wonderful advice. It's easy to forget how important communication is when you're afraid of talking to somebody.

You gave me the kick in the ass I needed (that is, the wise and encouraging words on my monitor that I needed) before things got really bad.

I am now in your debt. Please reclaim at your will.

I sincerely hope that all is well with you this afternoon.

Appreciatively,

Me

Dear Union Market

Dear Union Market Managers,

Please don't ask me impossible-to-answer-correctly/adequately questions at my interview tomorrow morning.

Pleadingly,

Me

Dear Canada Post

Dear Canada Post,

I'm extremely curious about the package you have waiting for me. I didn't order anything. I don't have a credit card, so I can't order things online. And nobody warned me of an impending parcel.

I get to pick it up after 1.00pm. So you just know I'm going to be there at 12.50. Waiting.

Curiously,

Me