Dear Britney Spears

Dear Britney Spears,

I don't know how to tell you this but.... I pwned your as a surfing in my dream last night.
Just sayin'.
I believe you'll probably think twice before you mock my skillz again.

Psh,
Peat

I totally found a picture of Britney with a surfboard!

Dear Davey Part 11

Dear Davey,

I moved today. It was hard. Stuff is heavy. Phew.
You are going to love my room. But I'm not going to tell you why. I just know you will. You might orgasm when you walk in though, so... wear two pairs of underwear or something the first time you come over.

I can't wait for you to come home so we can hang out again. I'm suffering from some serious Davey deprivation.

Love,
Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 11: Davey's feet want you to know that they don't know the day of the week in Japan.

Dear Lady

Dear Lady,

Thanks for watching the movie with me. Thanks for singing along. It's a good movie.
I'll be back soon. I gotta eat sometime.

NNSTDLTBBSDILY/IDIDFBT (Ha! You will never know!!!!),

Peat

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon the last day of a golden summer...

Dear Davey Part 10

Dear Davey,

I cleaned and packed all day today. Also laundry.
Lady and I watched Evita and sang along.
I'm going to come home a lot. I know it.
I miss you. But you're coming back soon.

Love,
Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 10: Pointing Davey points to where I should be. Absence does, indeed, make the heart grow fonder.

Dear Josef (again, I know)

Dear Josef,

Carol?!? Carol?!? Carol, are you there?

How many times do we have to do that before she abandons us forever? Just three more!

Love,

Peat

Dear Davey Part 9

Dear Davey,

Went to the Peach Festival today... without you. You would have liked it. There was a lot of fruit.

It was muddy though. That was not nice.
Do they have mud in Japan? Or is it all nicely paved?

Of course they have mud! How else would they have been able to invent mud wrestling?

Josef, Linh, and I got caught in a sudden downpour. It was... wet. Linh says it was scary.

She is snuggling with a teddy bear trying to dictate this to me. But I'm not letting her because she's a poopy-head.
She misses you, too. Not as much as I miss you, though... because I love you more.

Love,
Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 9: Red-faced Davey chokes Asians because he is not really Asian.

Dear Josef

Dear Josef,

This is the song that never ends.
Yes, it goes on and on, my friends.

Some people started singin' it

Not knowing what it was
And they'll continue singing it

Forever just because

This is the song that never ends.
Yes, it goes on and on, my friends.

Some people started singin' it

Not knowing what it was
And they'll continue singing it

Forever just because

This is the song that never ends.
Yes, it goes on and on, my friends.

Some people started singin' it

Not knowing what it was
And they'll continue singing it

Forever just because

This is the song that never ends.
Yes, it goes on and on, my friends.

Some people started singin' it

Not knowing what it was
And they'll continue singing it

Forever just because

This is the song that never ends.
Yes, it goes on and on, my friends.

Some people started singin' it

Not knowing what it was
And they'll continue singing it

Forever just because...

Happy Peach Festival Weekend, brother.

Meet me at the bikes next time.

Love,
Peat

Dear Davey Part 8

Dear Davey,

I thought of you a lot yesterday when the "Zoomobile" passed by us. We saw it probably about 15 times. It's like the zoo's form of public transportation. I don't know how efficient it is, but for the lazy zoo patrons, it's just as exciting as a streetcar.

Also thought of you when I saw planes as we got near the airport. Don't worry. You'll be safe when you eventually come home.

Miss you and love you,

Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 8: Safari Davey interacts with lesbians in their natural habitat

Dear Ex

Dear Ex,

I hate having a conscience. When we ran into each other yesterday and talked, I was actually sort of glad to see that you were miserable. I know you've been depressed for a while now, and that it is the result of a lot of different things, but there's a part of me that honestly believes you deserve it.
Is this just the vindictive part of my brain screaming "Poetic Justice!"? It could be. You did rather ruin my life for several years. But, hey, I think I might just be a slightly better person because of what I went through.
You, on the other hand, are obviously not doing very well at all. I don't know if this is because you deny yourself the things you obviously desire or because your situation is really just that shit.
My loathing is of the unadulterated variety. Not for your face, your voice, or your clothing (in fact, you look great), but for who you are trying to be. Do us all a favour and get over yourself. You're f***ing human like the rest of us, dear.

Haha. I'm so bitter.

Unrequited love,

Peat

Unadulterated Loathing

Dear Davey Part 7

Dear Davey,

Day 7?!? That's like... a whole week!
And what has this week brought us? Nothing but misery and an absurd number of tears, of course!
Okay, so that's not entirely true, but we do miss you a whole lot!
I have been saddened by your absence. Also by the fact that I packed up all my stuff (except my clothes) and it all fits into just a few boxes. My life fits into boxes! When did that happen?
Anyway, I have to remember to put away that bucket of glow-in-the-dark beads before I go to bed tonight, because it keeps glowing after I go to bed and it's annoying.

Miss you,
Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 7: Waterfall Davey loves rainbows

Dear Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Thank you for a lovely adventure today. I encountered no bees on my way home. Not a single one.
They really do follow you around.
More wonderful bus adventures shall ensue when you come to visit during the school year.
For all those who aren't Andrew but are reading this, the photo is proof of our happy, happy, fantastic, awesome, super-good times today.
Don't you just love Andrew's new haircut? I know that I do.

Love,
Peat

Thumbs up for the girl with the purple hair who took our picture!

Dear Davey Part 6

Dear Davey,

Today, I spent the day with Andrew. He's a fantastic person and so, so romantic.
We had happy, happy, fantastic, good times! We have photographic proof of this, which I will post after he puts them on his computer.
One more week! In just one week, you will be back in the Canada. Yeah, that's right... the Canada.

Love,

Peat

P.S. You're bf's haircut looks good. Tell him that, because he sometimes regrets getting it cut.

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 6: Einstein Davey says, "E=mc^2, bitches!"

Dear Favourite Aunt

Dear Aunt,

I know this is a couple of days late (actually, I wrote it on Sunday and just scheduled the post for Tuesday because I'm a cheater), but I had to tell you what a wonderful time I had with you on Sunday.
We sat at the kitchen table at 10am when everybody else left. "So, what do you want to do?" was the question hanging in the air. We decided that after we took your mother/my grandmother out for brunch before work, that we would head in the general direction of Niagara Falls and stop wherever we felt like stopping on the way.
That was the absolute best adventure I've ever been on in Canada. First, we were on the QEW, Niagara-bound obviously, but it was all backed up, so we got off at the very first exit and decided to take the scenic route. Going via Highway #8, we went the long way through Grimsby, Beamville, Jacob, Lincoln, St. Catharines, Welland, Niagara-on-the-Lake. In Jacob, we found a whole bunch of people crossing the street and stopping their cars and stuff. We curiously pulled into a parking lot to find out what was up. It was a flea market. Absolutely full of junk. Nothing good at all, but, hey, we got to make fun of some local yokels. That's all we needed out of that adventure. We continued driving. When we hit the canal, we were stopped at a bridge as a huge cargo ship went through, then a pretentious (American) yacht. When the bridge decided to not come back down, we went only very slightly out of our way to cross the canal and carried on our journey.

In Niagara on the Lake, we spotted a sign pointing out Laura Secord's home. You promply gave me a heart attack when you turned the car around suddenly. $10 bought the two of us a really shitty tour of the establishment, but years of fond memories of relentlessly mocking the tour guide. He tried really hard, but the young man had a lisp, braces, and a tear in the crotch of his period costume. Not to mention his inaccurate historical details and poor public speaking skills. Once again, he did try at least.

Once on our way again, we made our way closer to the falls. When we saw the sign, we realized that neither of us had ever seen the whirlpool. So, we stopped to check that out, but the first lookout place was terrible and we couldn't see it. So we went to the next one along the road. When we got out of the car, it started to rain, but we still went and looked and enjoyed the dizziness for a moment. We then got back in the car, drove by the falls, and began making our way back home.

We talked the entire time. It was fantastic and I will never forget that day.
I'll figure out how to get that Japanese tourist picture up here somehow... eventually.
Thank you for such a fantastic day. I mean... thanks for breakfast and driving the whole day. And you're welcome for the tour of Laura Secord's house.

Much love,
Peat

Home of Laura Ingersoll Secord. Run, Laura, run!

Dear Davey Part 5

Dear Davey,

On this, the fifth day of your journey, I would like to present you with a poem. I wrote it quickly and terribly, but with an abundance of love in my heart.
Here goes nothin':

My friend Davey went to Japan.

For months did he tirelessly plan,

But when he got off the plane,
He thought he'd gone insane,
For he'd somehow arrived in Iran.

Hope you're having loads of fun.

Love,
Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 5: Cold Davey is warm with his hood and scarf.

Dear Josef

Dear Josef,

Happy birthday to my very favourite brother, my most awesome comrade, and my supremely fantastic, brilliant, and wonderful best friend.

As tradition dictates, on this special day, I give to you our most cherished and personal gift: air from my lungs.

I can't believe you're a teenager. It seems so impossible. I am glad you are, though. I must admit that. For we both know that I cannot abide children. You only got away with being a child because you're my brother. And even then, I only amended that a short time ago. This year has been the best we've ever had together.
More wonderful shenanigans shall certainly ensue, my dear Josef. I love you very much... more than I love boobs. More than you love boobs. ... A lot.

Poop,

HJfPMcPeat

Dear Davey Part 4

Dear Davey,

When I discussed it with Pam (Suzi's mother), she said I could move in August 31st/September 1st-ish. I'll just get the key from Suzi that weekend. Lady starts work on the 1st though, so I'll probably do most of my cleaning and moving in the day before.

A lesbian build-off is a not-so-top-secret project that involves a large wooden structure that one might deem to be closet-like out of which people may come in a rather homosexual or supportive fashion. I'm sure you'll see it before long. If it's done before you come home, I'll put up pictures for you. Unfortunately, it does not involve any lego.

Glad things with the mothership are okay and that you've been on a bullet train and to the largest urban area EVER!

Love,
Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 4: Davey with semi-emo hair and a girl touching him is a Davey I never met, but he certainly was a cutie pie.

Dear Quentin Tarantino

Dear Quentin Tarantino,

That is not how Adolf Hitler died.

Good movie,
Peat

Col. Hans Landa thinks: "Ooh, look at mein pipe. Ist so much bigger than das puny pipe you are smoking."

Dear Davey Part 3

Dear Davey,

On this, the third day of your journey, I have some fun things to tell you.
I saw a fun Nazi-killing movie today. I probably didn't appreciate the death as much as some people might have, but it was a really good movie.
Lady got a new job! She applied at a Scottish imports store and the woman called her back yesterday (she interviewed the day before) and they were both very excited about working with each other.

You still haven't missed much of anything that I know of.
And we still miss you and love you.

See you not soon enough,
Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 3: Glasses-wearing Davey thinks you're curiouser and curiouser.

Dear Parking Cop

Dear Parking Ticket Dealer,

I realize you just wait around for me to f*** up and that is your job, but I just want you to know that I really don't appreciate it. I have enough financial worries without you adding to them.
It was clearly an accident. Why can't you just forgive? Write me a little note: "You read the sign wrong, park on the other side of the pole. Love, An Understanding Human Like Yourself". That's how it's done. Seriously.

With total detestation,
Peat

Dear Davey Part 2

Dear Davey,

It is now day 2 of your journey to the mothership in Japan.
You're not missing anything yet. We've all just been sitting around moping because you're gone.
I bought my books for seminar yesterday... also sold back last year's (except for one which they don't want/need). Ended up only spending about $30. We'll see how that goes.
We were going to have a lesbian build-off at BGH today, but it's rainy, so we're going to have to wait. Instead, we're going to go see Inglorious Basterds. Nazi-killing, what what!
I hope your mothership is well and treating you as wonderfully as you deserve to be treated. If not, let me know and I'll send her mean thoughts telepathically.

Miss you,
Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 2: Piggy-back Davey involuntarily gropes his female friend.

Dear Davey Part 1 and Dear John

**Notice: Until Davey's return from Japan, I will write him a letter every single day. This letter will be posted before the day's regular post. That's right; two posts per day while Davey's away. I won't normally post them as a single entry though, so you'll have to scroll down the page a bit or whatever to see both!**

Dear Davey,

I'm sorry about what happened, and that you had to find out the day before you're leaving. I love you, and so do many other people. Your visit with the mothership, I am confident, will be fine. You're leaving today and I'm going to miss you terribly. Who am I going to play lego with for the rest of the summer?
...
...
...
Andrew! Come play with lego with me!
Davey, I love you and I hope that your journey is safe. If nothing else, let it be safe. We're all waiting for you to come home.

Love,
Peat

Davey's Japan Adventure Day 1: Nurse Davey reminds us all that poop is a great way to determine what might be wrong with a person!

____________________________________________________________________

Dear John (yeah, I'ma call you John. Suck it up, bitch. Must protect your identity!),

I want to be your Walmart love. I want you to be my Costco love. Why, oh why must we both be so in love with women?
Call security! This man is shoplifting... my heart!

Much platonic love (boo),
Peat

Dear Basil and Tiffany

Dear Bas and Tiff,

You may have noticed a new feature on this blog; there is now a link on the left side of this page to a new page.
It involves finger puppets. Well, not so much puppets as they are... um... faces drawn on fingers.
It's just silly, but mildly entertaining.
I would like to know if either of you would be interested in participating in this project. The "job" involves coming up with soap opera-like plot lines for our fingers to act out, then drawing faces on your fingers and taking pictures of the fingers.
Like I said: silly. But it's really just for something to do when I don't want to do homework. That's how all of my blogs start. There will never be a schedule, no pressure to post. Just something you can add to if you decide you want to, whenever you want to.
Thoughts?
Oh! Also, introductions: Basil, this is Tiffany. Tiffany, this is Basil. You are both intelligent, odd, and wonderful people who I think would get along quite well. And if you don't... that could be entertaining, honestly.
I picked my favourite pictures of you two in order to familiarize the other. Bas, that's just the way I love you... in a state of confusion. And Tiff, I don't know why, I just really like this picture. It's simultaneously scathing and silly. It makes you think outside the box (or inside the "box?").
Whatever happens, you have now been officially introduced and I expect you both to greet each other in the comments. *glare*

Love,
Peat

Tiffany, this is clueless Basil.

Basil, this is Tiff in a frame.

Dear Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Not only are you incredibly sweet and handsome, you are also made entirely of awesome. It all began *commence wavy lines to denote flashback sequence* when I made a comment about being covered in bees and you proceeded to tell me that that is how you liked your women. For the record, I also like my women like I like my coffee; in a plastic cup. Eddie Izzard is, indeed, the funniest man alive. Honestly, he even beats Russell Peters. And I love Russell. A lot.
You are invited, Andrew, to dinner at my home whenever you want. I will even let you sit at the table if you want to. I mean, you don't have to stay outside and creep in the bushes.
Really though, what I like most about you is that Davey is no different when he is with you than when he is with anybody else. I mean, he's a little more... you know... love-y with you, but he's not a different person. This makes me very happy.
Now, accept my friend request on Facebook and we can start talking about Davey behind his back!

Love you, new friend.

Reboot!
Peat

I thought the Groucho Marx glasses were a nice touch. Then I had to do something to Davey, so I gave him a flag.

Dear Alex

Dear Alex,

I would never have gone to see that movie had you not been so keen on it. Thanks for that, it was surprisingly good.

I believe it was Teneshia who commented on the great racial discourse of the film (District 9). She was right.

That said, it was also quite icky. I'm not so into the whole "everybody must explode at some point in this movie" thing. Probably just me.
Also, little alien boy was adorable and hideous.
'Nuff said.

Love,
Peat

Alex a couple of years ago. He now has a massive Jew-fro which only I may tease and insult.

Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

As a last resort, I am writing directly to you today.... tonight... this evening. It's not like I had a boring day, I just dont' have anybody to whom I want to write.
I'm just going to tell you about my day.
I went to bed at 4am after watching the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland. I was woken up by Lady at 8 because she was going grocery shopping and wanted to know if I wanted anything. Sweet thought, but I had already written on her list before she went to bed.
My cousins are staying with us. They live in London-town... the Ontario version of the more spectacular one across the pond.
We took a solid two hours trying to decide what to do today. We finally decided upon Binbrook Conservation Area, which is beautiful and I plan on having a gathering there in the future. We canoed, swam, had a picnic and were generally jovial. I didn't burn, but I did get too much sun again today.

I taught my brother and male cousin, Alex, how to say "ladies" in a suggestive manner after we saw a couple of very sexy ladies tanning on the beach.

Time to post.

Love,
Peat

This is what comes up if you Google Image search "Binbrook Conservation Area."

Dear Rainbow

Dear Rainbow,

Interesting how, even though you don't live in this house, I still see you constantly.

You are so lucky that I don't hate you and that you aren't screaming and crying right now.

Please don't put any more processed cheese in my hair though. I did have a shower a couple of hours ago.

Love,
Aunt Peat

P.S. You're not black. Tell your mother.

N.B. Neither awesome nor not-some. Apathy was the only word that came to mind.

Dear Jerelle

Dear Jerelle,

You have expensive taste in my pants. Yes, they looked awesome, but they were not in my price range. If they go on sale, I'm totally going back for them. And my boobs looked awesome in that white top. Once again, pricey. Boo-urns.

Thanks for keeping me company today.

Love,
Peat

Clearly not my butt.

Dear Basil and Dear Davey

Dear Basil,

Thank you for picking out underwear for/with me. I know there was more plaid than desired, but at least there was pink plaid, and plaid involving monkeys! I know you're wondering, so I'm obviously going to tell you....
I'm wearing the knockout underoos today (because I'm a knockout/I'ma knock you out). Also, first day in new bra = success. Because, once again, I know you were wondering.

Get your thoughts out of my pants. You know it would never work between us, darling... even though your boyfriend is a total homo (I love you, Bob!).

I found silver paint on my knee. Continue reading for explanation of that.

Love,
Peat

I really am.

Dear Davey,

Thank you for keeping me company today. I have never seen somebody eat so many perogies in one sitting. But I'm very glad that you did finish them off, I thought that I had made too many. In case you're wondering, your total was 12 (I think... because of that one that I had to throw out because it died in the process of boiling due to a hole).
I think our prize wheel is bitchin'... especially the pink lightning-bolt arrow. It's beautiful. Its robotic nature is sure to attract many first years for recruitment during Welcome Week. I hope Suzicle has awesome prizes for our awesome prize wheel.
I love my spatula. I'm glad you decided to go exchange your collander, because I decided when I got home that I really did want the red one that I picked up when we went back. Also, thanks for covering my tax, yo. Very cool of you.
Next time we go to Ikea, we should order beer... just for the hell of it. And maybe princess cake. I dunno if I really enjoyed that. It was sort of weird. But neat-looking. Pretty. We'll also find a better way to the west end than the route we took.

Love,
Peat

Princess cake by Ikea.

Dear Guybrush Threepwood

Dear Guybrush Threepwood,

I can't believe you, a character from an old-school 8-bit game kept me up until 4am. What is the world coming to? Granted, it took me about 10 minutes to figure out how to control you, then I had to figure out where to go, what to pick up (oh, apparently I have to pick up everything EVER), and who is going to be on my pirate-y crew, but really... it shouldn't take me four hours to beat an 8-bit game.
Eff you Threepwood. You really do fight like a dairy farmer. You call yourself a pirate? Har! Har! Har!

I bid thee a chilly good evening,
Cap'n Peat

Warning: Highly addictive. Contains scenes of alcohol consumption, use of tobacco, and insults.

Dear Josef

Dear Josef, Jacob, and Amanda,

Thank you for a lovely day at Wild Waterworks. Never have I ever gone down so many water slides so many times.
The follow-up ice cream was also delicious. Mine was better than Amanda's though. Childish flavours ftw!

Perhaps we shall do this again some time.
We could always go check out that new outdoor laser tag. Although I'm pretty sure the combined violence of the three of you would scare the poop out of me.

Love,
Peat

P.S. This one definitely has "boobs" relevance, Tiff.

After we got back, I took a "this is me; tired, chlorine-filled, and un-tanned but happy" picture. Do the Works!

Dear Tiff

Dear Tiff,

Thank you for the lovely poems while I was away. I do enjoy a good limerick but the haiku about poop was just so potent at the time that I can't help but call it my favourite.
Camping was good. Camping with a fever is a further adventure. Actually, it's less adventure because I just slept a lot more than usual. But what can be healthier than spending a few days outside? Nothing, I'd say. I attribute my present good health to the hiking, campfires, and multiple games of Yahtzee while it rained (that's right, mucho rain up north during our stay).
Anyway, thanks go to you for the entertainment with which you provided me, as well as the reassurance that society had not suddenly collapsed, turned on the academics, and killed them first while I was away.
Thanks also to Linh for warning me not to be eaten by fictional creatures (i.e. werewolves) and also for making my mom love you even more by complimenting her cooking skillz. Yeah, I spelled that with a 'z,' what're you gonna do about it?

In summation, thank you.

Love,

Peat

Text reads: Keep your smile on

just a few more days away

then home for a poop!

(poop haiku for the win!)