Dear Cousin

Dear Dancin' Cousin,


I don't especially enjoy hip-hop music, but your dance recital today was wonderful. I'm very proud of you. You clearly worked incredibly hard. I'm sorry that your song was cut into pieces because your instructor's got shit for brains, but you recovered nicely.


Groovingly,

Me

Dear Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

I'm very happy that so many good things have happened to you recently. It's nice to hear that things are looking up.

Similarly, good things are coming my way. On Sunday, I'm going to London (Ontario... but, still... London) to watch my cousin Rebecca in a recital. She's very talented.
Tomorrow marks seven months of being together with my girlie-poo. Pretty awesome.

And I got a job interview for a position at Union Market starting in September. I dunno how that's going to go yet. We'll see. I don't think I give a very good interview. I'll have to practice.

Anyway, good things all around!

Happy Friday-ly,

Me

Haha... Windows 7, seven months. One day, I'll actually be funny. I promise.

Dear Tiffany's Thesis

Dear Tiffany's Thesis,

It's time to shape up and flight right, thesis. Seriously, you are causing my friend entirely too much grief and I don't appreciate this. Nor does she, obviously.

Pleadingly,

Me

Don't worry, Tiffany. Martin Luther wrote 95 theses and he made it through. Sort of. I mean, he was stressed out beyond belief because of the Papacy and he had vertigo, angina, kidney stones, arthritis.... um... maybe this isn't helping.

Dear Boogaloo

Dear My Cat,

Yesterday was your birthday. I went home to see you and spent a wonderful day in what actually felt like my home for the first time in many months.

It's hard to believe you've been around and in my life for seven years. You're still so tiny!

I love you and I wish you could live with me.

Sadly,

Me

I wrote this after I read Tiff's letter to Max, but I had meant to write it yesterday. I feel like less of a copy"cat" for that fact.

Dear Jeff

Dear Housemate Jeff,

I really appreciate that you are not living up to the "guy" stereotype. I mean, yeah, you drink beer and hate doing your dishes. But you drink beer with us while we sip martinis and you do wash your dishes.

I enjoyed our bonding conversation about the Soviet Union in WWII. It's nice to know you have a brain. I also like that you laugh out loud at your computer screen while you sit alone in your room. You're adorable.

Please continue telling us stories like you do. It's nice to know you.

Housemately,

Me

Dear Viola

Dear Experimenter Viola,

I emailed you yesterday afternoon to confirm your availability to meet me at 11.30 for your psych experiment this morning. You replied, confirming that you would meet me on the third floor of the psych building at 11.30.

You did not show up.

I don't think your supervisor was very impressed that he had to run the experiment himself.

Also, I had to wait fifteen extra minutes. Not cool, Viola. Not cool.

Annoyedly yours,

Me

Dear Tiff

Dear Tiff,

I did not see you while I was in the arts quad today. Though, it was definitely me whom you spotted. I was on the phone with Davey, attempting to find him.

I did eventually locate him at the Health Sci Library and exhausted shenanigans ensued. We returned to my house to play N64 (he refuted all Super Nintendo suggestions and my Wii remotes sadly lack battery power).

It would bring me great pleasure if, one day, you would similarly join me on a journey home for shenanigans of any sort that you please. Video games, cards, a drink, a meal, what have you.

I'm glad that you went to the doctor about your sleeping and stress problems. I agree with her that you ought to talk to a counsellor at school. They're pretty good. I've gone a couple of times.

I hope you don't forget your sleeping pills again tomorrow. You should use them now that you have them!

Wishing you happiness and feel-betterness,

Me

Dear Neil Patrick Harris

Dear Neil Patrick Harris,

I don't understand why you're so popular. Sometimes you're funny, I'll admit. But you're now considered... basically the Chuck Norris of the gay community. That I cannot understand for the life of me.

Even my very heterosexual housemate, Jeff, made a Chuck Norris-like comment about you while my lovely and I watched Glee with our heterosexual-but-promising housemate, Russell.

In conclusion, I could sing your socks off. Also, I wouldn't want to sing any more of your clothing off than that, anyway... because it would be unpleasant for both of us.

Questioningly yours,

Me

P.S. Wtf? Why do you have three names. Neil Harris is just as cool, methinks. You must choose!

Dear Philip

Dear Philip (possibly mentally challenged neighbour),

Yesterday, the tree my landlord was cutting down fell on your head because you stupidly walked underneath it.

Haha!

Mockingly,
Me

Dear Life

Dear Life,

Just when I think you couldn't throw anything else at me you send my girlfriend's father downstairs looking for her.
She's in my room, sir.

Bashfully,

Me

Dear Book Buyback Lady

Dear Book Buyback Lady at Titles,

I didn't appreciate how you taunted me with the prospect of $5.50 for the heaviest book I had to carry from my house to the store only to not take the book (which I bought from Titles originally!) because it was "international."

What the hell, Book Buyback Lady?

Do you know how heavy that was to carry there and back? VERY.

With contempt,

Me

Dear Mahir

Dear Mahir,

If you're going to employ my girlfriend, I suggest you watch your back.
Don't fuck around. Tell her how much she'll be paid and don't be a dumbass or I will fuck you up.

Also, your restaurant smells really bad.

Well... maybe that was just you.

Warningly yours,

Me

Dear Potential Employers

Dear People With Jobs to Give Away,

How about a call asking me for an interview? That'd be totally awesome.

Imploringly In Destitution,

Me

Dear Former Housemates

Dear Former Housemates,

You're disgusting. It took me 4 and a half hours to scrub that bathroom from top to bottom. The bathtub was the worst part. I don't know how anybody has used it and been under the impression that they were clean.

I'm so glad I have a basement room and have not had to use the upstairs bathroom since I moved in.

On the bright side, there's nothing like getting on your hands and knees scrubbing floorboards and floors to make you feel like you really deserve a good meal.

With disdain,
Me

Dear Lady

Dear Lady,

Happy Mother's Day. Please act surprised when you get the present that Suzi picked out for you.

Love,

Me

Dear Home

Dear Home,

You suck. If I wanted to listen to a screaming child all weekend, I'd have one.

I'm sick of watching my brother pretend he's a sniper or whatever. The game is sick and I can't believe you let him play it.

I'm tired of not being able to cook anything or leave my toothbrush on the counter.

This isn't home.

Me

Me or Screaming Child? You decide.

Dear Suzi

Note: Two letters today because I forgot yesterday and I owe Tiffany for taking such a long break. Extra stuff to help procrastinate?

Dear Suzi,

Thank you for indulging me while I spent hours clipping coupons yesterday.
I know how frugality can be a major turn-off.
You rock.

Love,
Me

P.S. 40 rolls of toilet paper for $5 ftw!

Dear Old Ladies

Dear Old Ladies at No Frills,

Please don't push your shopping cart in front of me and then stop dead in the aisle because you forgot something behind you.
It's rude. Seriously.

Angrily,

Me

Dear Sleeping Self

Dear Sleeping Self,

What's wrong with you? Seriously. You can go from the sexiest dreams to post-apocalyptic-scare-the-shit-out-of-me world in seconds.

You need to not ever watch anything scary every again. I blame that gross movie Kick-Ass. Which, by the way, was not at all kick-ass. Just saying.

Maybe the problem is that you shouldn't sleep past 8.30. Yeah, that's probably it.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Me

Dear Mr. Lucas

Dear George Lucas,

May the fourth be with you.

Happy Star Wars Day,

Me

Dear New Housemate

Dear Linh,

Let's not make this a trend. I won't be told what to do and when to do it.

Yours,

Me

Dear Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

I'm sorry I forgot to post yesterday. It might take me some time to get back into the habit of writing every day.
I will certainly try though. So, don't worry!

Love,

Me

Do You Know Where It Is?